Finally, its back to the old blog. I'd better get my mass of messy thoughts down before I enter the Army.

Much has happened since I last came here, and more will transpire before I return again.

First there was Christmas.

Before I elaborate, I have to say that my cousin and cousinette in the USA are incredibly, totally, adorable!!

Yes it sounds bimbotic but its true.

At 6 and 4 years of age respectively they have completely redefined "cute".

Man, viewing their photos makes me feel good and warm, somehow. Reminds me that there is real beauty around no matter the circumstances.

Speaking of the circumstances, this festive season (personally at least) was neither better nor worse. But it wasnt the same.

It was different, more mysterious, more... enigmatic.

There was the unusually large Christmas works in town and the usually disgusting commercialism beneath every programme on TV, but I felt something to be amiss.

I guess my God was trying to speak. I dont know.

I kept thinking about it (as I always tend to do) and the sense of mystery stuck through the whole weekend. Through the dinners and visiting, through the sleepover at the Regent Hotel Suite with good ol' Yan and his Xbox. Boy that was one wacko night. I slept in the wardrobe because it was so roomy and with Yan banged out the whole breakfast buffet.

But what does God want with me? What could He ever want with me and my powerlessness? When I am shackled by sin and shame and error? What's the point of sending Christ?

And I didnt really find out. And that spawned a whole series of questions and doubts. I dont really think that God can ever fully sympathize with us puny humans because He will never know what its like to live under the burden of sin's guilt and shame. Sure Christ has been tempted but what He wil never know what its like to commit a crime and spend the night sleepless thinking about it, crying out confessions and repentence but always knowing that it'll happen the next day or the day after, making a repeat is inevitable, and thus making a full mockery of the whole process of repentence and forgiveness. God will never understand what its like for a pathetic mortal to live every waking moment in dread of his own actions against His Majesty.

Always falling, and always rising to fall again, to fall into sin most vile and most loathsome.

Sure, they say Christ came for that very reason. But its pointless to keep repenting and sinning all over again.

I felt quite condemned, actually. But thats only half of it. I felt (and feel) quite frustrated with His perfection.

Why should God apply His perfect standards onto such an imperfect world, especially when He knew beforehand that all mankind would be damned by one man's actions? I had no choice but to be born a sinner! Nobody was given the option to be born a sinner and stand accountable to God's wrath. And thus nobody deserves to be judged according to the sins he commits. The football analogy puts it more simply. Everyone judges the goalie by the number of goals he concedes, not the number of saves he makes. And that is utterly unfair. Then again, as a "spiritual goalie" I'd be something closer to Massimo Taibi then Peter Schmeichel or Petr Cech.

So that was my first issue. The next day, the blinkin earthquake's tidal waves sent over a hundred thousand people to their doom. And so the questions continued. To see the bloated corpses of children on the beach... It's bloody replusive and disturbing, to put it mildly.

The irony is that I spent a night last week telling a friend that Christianity is flawless, and arguing about the perfection of the faith. And she went away thinking that my faith is all solid and ironclad.

But enough of the theology heavycrap, I have decided to ask Pastor Jenni about these things on Wednesday at lunch.

And God willing, my problems will surface, though I distinctly hope not.

My problems follow me into the New Year.

But I'm very glad that its a New Year with a new start and all that! Its quite wicked in a way.

Saw good old Mr Cook and his wife at MPH! The subsequent chat was the most amicable one I had ever had with him. Must've been the fact that I wasnt in uniform. He had just returned from the UK only 20 hours ago, right on the very first day of school. Thats the old Cook for you.

Class chalet was quite funky. Spent the time getting trashed by DVA on the playstation and playing Scrabble and bridge and monopoly and watching Bring It On and all that. Pity I had to leave early to prep Army stuff.

But now I am a mere 36 hours from conscription.

My mind is dead, and my heart heavy.

But I know my God is sure and steadfast, no matter my doubts and sin.

To all my friends and companions and classmates, I thank you for your prayers, for your company, for your time.

Never will I miss you lot more than I will in 36 hours.

To Theoden King: Sorry for not being able to chat, its just that I'm not home most of the time and when I am, I'm asleep. Pray for my army stint old chap. And God Bless for your CS project. Remember that above all else you must listen to God no matter how hard it seems. Only then will you understand.

To you: I hope you got my email. I know there are scars, but I also know that our bond is too strong to decay with time. I know it will heal and get better, and I'll be there to help as much as I can. You take care and trust God, and remember not to give in to temptation, and to pray, and to let His healing begin.

To Virtuoso Ang and Greg and co: Its been a wicked time with you guys. Probably this will be the last time we see each other in a long while, but we must have that round of drinks we've been planning for so long. Hah.

Well. That is it. Sounds so melodramatic, but I guess some stuff has to be said, and there is much more to be done.

To God be the glory.



posted by baron at 5:31 AM