The immediate impulse that hits me when I see my post typeboard is to launch into a litany of bitchery. To prevent that I will now attempt to mould it into a form of meditative self reflection. I need that facade of mature, objective philosophizing to legitimise an otherwise useless piece of bladderdash whining. Here goes.



Fuck my life.


Ok thats not it. Lets try again.

I'm just wondering what makes us humans tick, especially in this insipid thing we call love. After many years of research, we of the Baron School of (non)Thought have determined that it is a mere biological process designed to ensure that our genes get passed on. And I have discovered the process by which we select our so-called mates, and summarized them into 2 equations:

Girl equation:

Successful guy quotient = (Muscles)(Looks)(Money)(Charisma)(Charm)


If a suitor has none of the above factors, his successful guy quotient (SGQ) will automatically be reduced to zero. If even one of those factors is lacking his chances will still be crippled severely, hence damming him anyway.
A criticism of this theory is that girls are realists; they realise that not all guys can meet their standards and so this renders the equation null and void.
BUT
This is on the proven assumption that most girls are unrealistic creatures, who live in their worlds of fantasy and romance novels. Chances are that the equation is applicable to at least 87% of the global female population.

For guys, the equation is even simpler:

Successful girl= (Hot body)(Hot looks)

No elaboration is required here.



Well by applying the equation on myself i find that my SGQ is a straight zero because I lack all the factors needed. Incredible, really. My potential partner base (PPB) is narrowed down to a mere 13% of the worldwide female population, at optimistic estimates.
Therefore I find that my efforts are better off at studies and friends, not some female with whom i cant even stand a ghost of a chance with, or even worse,some female with whom i cant even stand a ghost of a chance with but still treats me as though I do.
Interesting.


Ah bullocks Manchester Untied is one up against Milwall. Whatever lah Keane and company can take the FACup and whatever shred of dignity they can muster....Theyll need it.
But who cares; I certainly dont.


Anyway I am wondering what to do with my life now. I have completely lost interest in everything I once held dear. I had thought I was a good student but my grades are falling apart and am now in math remedial. My family to me is like a host family and not one of blood relations. And it seems to me that all my friendships are slowly dissolving into the void of ennui.

And as for my faith, I cannot say much. I know who i am and Whose i am, yet I cannot see without spiritual light.

And above all else, the Issue taunts and haunts me still. I dont know why. Why all I have done is not good enough. Why all my sweat and tears have been wasted as though they cost nothing.
I need answers and fast; not even the BS(n)T can help me here.

Before all hope is extinguished I pray something will happen.






posted by baron at 7:23 AM

Last Resort

Artist: Papa Roach
CD: Infest buy!
Release Date: April 25, 2000
Record Label: UNI/DREAM WORKS RECORDS
Official Site: http://www.paparoach.com

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Cause I'm looking my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way


posted by baron at 7:13 AM

What are my study interests, you ask?

International relations, sir. My interest in academia has primarily to do with the workings of human nature. Which begets the question: why IR and not sociology or philosophy or english lit?

Because I am a macro-view person. Because I believe that national and international politics are the highest-level manifestations of human thinking. We see base human greed in military invasions. We see human nobility and idealism in global human rights charters. And we see several individuals' very values and beliefs shaping the course of history itself in the sphere of international relations. This study in the macro-expressions of human instinct is fascinating to me; as opposed to sociology and english lit where human nature is analysed through medium-level or micro-level manifestations respectively. They are of lesser consequence than the grand machinations of international power plays on a global scale, and hence of less interest to me .






I'm trying to formulate some coherant train of thought when I go into the interviews. Dont disturb me.


posted by baron at 2:53 AM

George Bush is an imbecile.

Today, Cook gave us another of those further education talks- this time on Oxford-Cambridge applications.

Applying to Oxbridge is focking insane. Apologies for the expletive but superlatives cannot convey the true depth of the process of application. You've got to be so bloody well read and intellectually developed that you've got to be able to converse with any conceivable expert in any conceivable field. For example, if you intend to do Law you can bloody expect the smart ass Cambridge interviewer to talk to you about quantum mechanics, along with the usual law shit like "jurisprudence" and all that. And if you're trying for medicine you may end up talking about Paul Kennedy's take on economics in the 17th century, or fractal theory. As I said, focking insane.

Heck I'm going for it.

posted by baron at 5:34 AM

Last night my family went to Tony Romas for a thanksgiving dinner over the preservation of my dad's job.

Boy was the food good. Superlatives fail me; for the purposes of description I have to use the word "fantastic" to describe the meal.

12-ribbed Blue Ridge slabs, corn on the cob, chicken tender fillet etc etc the list goes on. I cant describe the dinner. Geeez.

Hohoho ARSENAL is simply invincible. Simply invincible. Simply bleeding UNBEATABLE.
I can't get out of this delirious joy that has taken me. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

To sam: sorry if ive been abit untalkative lately. Wanted to tell you about mmmmm but there were too many people around. Hope you've gotten over stuff, yeah? haha will be looking forward to your birthday celebration, shannon and all

To theo: hey man sorry for not replying since that short-lived conversation. Just read my blog for updates; mail me any prayer requests youve got. hope youve really surrendered the Ess-eff issue man. When you coming back?

Well just abt the only thing that can bust my bubble is the NS checkup tomorrow
Walking around naked and under observation is not a very fun thing.



posted by baron at 5:07 AM

A Fire in the Night!

I remember a dream last year
That I woke up to.

I was in a dark orange room
I closed my eyes

And walked out the door.

Brittle sparkling heat pecked at
my soles
Sweat cascades from storm clouds
80 drops a minute

And you smelt it
animal, bestial, raw, elemental
twisting and whirling and dervish-dancing
phantasmic memories

And you saw it
flames licking their grotesque ballets
round and round the bases of obsidian
the shadows swirled and chanted

And you heard it
Pounding human drumskin
thud-thud-thumping rhythms
and there was red snarling

The snarling came from behind intensifying
I stopped and looked and tasted
the landscape of bulbous
and writhing trees

black against black
while the heat went from red to white
and the gourds and totems went to ashes
peeling away to bone-white bones.

It singed me,
my eyes and ears and nose so

I went back into the room
and it had become bright crimson

And in front of me there were
3 ladies

Screaming "Failure, Failure, Failure"









That was a poem by me on the morning of the 15th of May 2004
I havent thought about what I meant it to say, but Im sure I will sooner or later.
Quite cliche but well thats my style...



posted by baron at 7:29 PM

You say that I cling to that which hurts me, and you find it amazing.
But I must say in reply that you don't know how much I have lost. What hopes what dreams what aspirations that have one by one fallen into the ranks of the unacheivable, soured into nightmares that haunt and taunt me at night.

You say that I should lift all this to the Almighty. I can only answer that I have had enough of the false hopes that He has given me. Enough of these delusions! If He wants me to suffer as He did in bringing me eternal life then nothing will stop His Purposes for me.

And you say that I should let go of all this, else it would destroy me. But can you not see that this is my guard against future disappointments. Better to accept what I have been dammed with than live and fall through false hope after false hope. If that is love then I will have none of it. Pure and simple. This issue is my guard to stop me from falling to that lie that is human affection or be ensnared by all the false promises of companionship. I have tasted enough defeat and it is bitter. Enough of that.

posted by baron at 6:25 AM

They say that I'm NATO( No Action Talk Only). Well I'd say that my plans will take many years to come to fruition. But when they do oh boy things will be different to the extent of unrecognizable.

Bloody Alfas Challenge is bugging me. I've had enough of all this shit, I'd rather sit down and focus on my studies for the first time in my college life. But noooo I have to fill in those Oxbridge stuff before its too late. And I still have no idea which Universities to apply for. Hmmmm.

Quote from Sayers:
"I didnt like Physics. It took me hours to learn about moments. But electricity did spark some interest in me though. "
That guy is a nice old man but his puns are bloody painfully non-funny.

posted by baron at 3:42 AM

For some reason I am energized now that all major CCA events are cleared- now I dont stone as much as I used too. This whole future education thing is naggy and yet intriguing.

Went for the UK talk on universities today- Cook is bloody brilliant at such presentations- he's my nearest equivalent of an idol- dry caustic wit that bites anybody that gets in my path hard. Looks like I'm bound for the glorious land of soccer (and ARSENAL) and fish and chips- no decadent American nor quaint Canadian nor trashy Australian education for me. Problem is I dont quite know where to start- I do have future subject studies (International Relations, English Lit and Political Science) in mind but can't quite get where exactly I should go.

And there's the problem with finances- cant depend much on the folks at home so Im considering a scholarship- and that begets the invariable question: which one?

And that in turn leads to the bloody issue of studies- which I am bleeding sick of. But there is no other option it seems.

Oh wait its bitch time. But this time I shall content myself with quoting from Harris,the Victorian
Gripe-meister:
I loathe this country. We are a brutal inhumane society that values economic gain and societal cohesion over individual rights and humanitarian ideals. We are a nation of arrogant pricks led by a party of Sinitic old bastards and a callous old man who consider the individual, by definition, expendable (ie JBJ, Ryan Goh) in order to increase our GDP. We praise school teachers for abusing children, and though I agree for the need for forceful discipline, principals should never hit students in anger- it simply amounts to adults taking out emotions on children, and is just another form of bullying. Speaking of caning- this is just one of many examples of what our "glorious" Confucian culture has given us- brutality and barbarism and cruelty. The Dear Leeder himself is the epitome of this- he goes on and on about economic gains and "we must work harder" without thought to the individual. He is obsessed with creating a perfect Confucian society at the expense of individualism and deviant political philosophy. And he is still worshipped in this potty little island, despite his egomaniacal attempts to shape Singapore to his whim and fancy, complete with family members and associates in positons of power and influence (you tell me that Mdm HC is the only suitable CEO in the wole island for TC?). No doubt this is a better alternative to Africa- but his pretensions at being the benevolent founder of Singapore must be destroyed. I would not write further but this is what I feel- and that sinitic old bastard's cops will not stop me.

posted by baron at 5:45 AM

Vermillion hells. Arsenal drew Birmingham at home. Satisfying to be unbeaten still yet frustrating- if the Gunners keep up the complacency they will crash to Fulham or even Leicester in the weeks to come.

Fun fair was a fantastic success. Brilliant stuff even though I didnt patronize 20% of the stalls. My class sold candy floss and it was immensely popular- much better than everyone elses except the haunted house. But well its all over- and the real hurdle looms. To which scholarship and university shall I go?

That is the question.

There was a very disturbing conversation that took place the other day between this Indian girl and one of my councillor pals:

Guy (on seeing girl): Dont come near me! Its shrivelling up the moment I see you!

Girl: Well we'll have to tickle it then to wake it up

Guy: No its only for myself and my future wife

Girl: You should set up a booth at the fun fair- where people pay $30 to tickle your "Dragon"

Guy: Dont kid yourself- I'll have to pay people to tickle it for me.

I cant continue, modesty forbids.
Well I do hope they were talking about stationary. Maybe a new brand of "Dragon" writing insturments or something. But even then it still feels very very wrong....

posted by baron at 6:23 AM