Went to Sentosa today with the YM.

The games programme wasnt bad at all, but the whole idea of going to Sentosa sucked majorly.

A whole legion of PRC tourists descended on the island and flooded the place with their Renminbi, clogging the buses and monorails, and wreaking ordered havoc on the beaches.

So I had to brave the massive hordes of chittering China people to fight my way out of that cursed island.

Got home and am really tired.

I've never been this tired before.

It's not just physical exhaustion. Every single part of me- spiritualy, emotionally, mentally- has been drained flat by the events of the past months. One colossal battering of exams after the other, with a major friendship crisis in the middle, and the whole stinking business of the bad memories from last year's Debacle coming back to haunt me in my sleep.

Not to mention the guilt from my sins that plague me. Nor my increasingly depleted state of social life.

And then I've got the Army in a month's time.

I can't bitch about it, of course. Action is more effective than words. Action to fight and win and progress.

So action it shall be.

BUT then, I am really very tired.

So thus I shall drift around, as I myself dissolve into this nebulous mass of semi-existential being.

Its not a fun thing to be caught between a deep burning desire within your soul and a total exhaustion that prevents you from doing anything about it.

I dare not let it out on my old pals; they've enough on their plates.

Somehow.

Somehow.

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppp

low battery.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


posted by baron at 5:03 AM

Boyakasha! AliintheOperaHouse AliintheOperaHouse!! Hey!!!

WICKED-

Today is the day my A level papers ended, but not the S level papers. Bugger.

So I went out with the classmates for lunch and shopping.

Yes, shopping! Do not mock me, though. Of the 8 people who went out 7 were girls, so being heavily outnumbered, I had to quietly endure the ignominy of standing in the ear-ring and female clothes sections.

It is amazing how emasculated one can feel when permeated with the essence of female.

But it was interesting cos I got to see ears being pierced for the first time, though. Hah!

Went to Topman and looked at potential prom suits. Negative.

Then a bunch of RJ fellas came round, one of them being my old friend from my sec school.

"Hey!" he says to me.

"Hey man never seen you for a long time"

"So your A levels ended anot?"

"No lah still got S paper. Hah you leh?"

"Still got physics tmr basket"

etc etc etc

"Eh that's your class ah?"

"Errr ya. Haha.."

"wah all girls ahhhhhhhhhh"

at this point i'm like dude i'm in an arts class! Dont stare at me and them like they're my harem or something!

Feeling very very embarassed I mumbled some lame farewell and then walked away.

Gee!

GEE!!

Oh man.

Hah don't get me wrong, though. My class are fine folks. But it makes for a bizarre sight for one guy to go out with a whole bunch of girls. It's not entirely normal if you ask me.

But then, life is far from normal. Hah!

AliintheOperaHouse AliintheOperaHouse!

In any case I was playing this game called return to Castle Wolfenstein online.

Because it was my first time playing I ended up blowing up myself with the Panzerfaust.

And then my effing team mates kicked me.

What the blazes man??!! Give the new guy a break! Blinkin fools. Blast them all.

Now being liberated from the A levels I will proceed to master new fields of knowledge. Enough of the blasted sine curves and derivative scherivative faeces. Its time to read up on philosophy. On Hegel and Plato and Nietzsche.

In fact, its time to do a whole lot of things.

Its time to add muscle mass. It's time to run 10 kilometres at one go. It's time to get a 4 pack and from thence a 6 and ultimately 8 pack.

It's time to seek out my God and know Him.

It's time to work on my university applications and scholarships.

It's time to get a tan

to play soccer and tennis and warcraft with folks

to write that book

to grind the principles of economics into my brother's head

and to use every scond of time between the 30th of november and the 6th of january.

It it time.

For:

"They said this day would never come. Well, what have they to say now?"

-Halo 2 trailer


posted by baron at 4:40 AM

Boyakasha! AliinthelandofWales AliinthelandofWales!!! Ho!!

WICKED-
I have just had 14.25 hours of exams in 4 days. This has drained me so much so that my facial expressions are now carved in stone. But for some reason my mind is ever twisting and turning and tumbling. I think some of my sanity went that way. HA!

I think that children should never be given the name Dennis, or at least it should have 2 n's in it like D.E.N.N.I.S and not one n like D.E.N.I.S. The latter is too easily mistakable and misspelt so that it becomes a name for a particular(ly) male organ. "Hi Pen- I mean Denis!" and that sort of thing. Right that's not the point.

9 days to the end. I'm beginning to wonder about the aftermath. The 37 days to conscription. Of which 4 will be in a ship in the Straits of Malacca and 3 in a chalet in Tampines (it should be pronounced Tam-Pines not tampeenees). Ok, that's not the point too. My intensive fitness programme will go into full swing. I intend to be able to run 9-10 klicks without pause by the time the Army comes calling.

I am very very isolated. I'm reminded of the Pract Crit piece for the Prose question, the passage from Jasmine Nights by that Thai guy Sopwon or something. An incredible piece of writing. Very beautiful. Very poignant, yet not soppily sentimental. I must read that book. His writing is so vividly descriptive, without being drony, that its almost as if you're looking into a photograph with 10000x100000 resolution. Very artistic. Exceptionally fascinating.

Somehow I feel chosen for the life of a hermit. And its not only because I can't connect with people. Of the top four scenarios on my holiday wish-list, 3 are the sort with minimal human contact.

Well, here they are (not in any order of merit):

1. A soccer-watching/shopping/heritage/history trip to European cities of Munich, London, Edinburgh, Paris, Budapest, Vienna, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Venice, and Florence and Milan. Maybe Constantinople too.

2. A stay in a Log Cabin in winter in the American fir forests in Oregon, or in Canada, right in the heart of wolves and wildlife and the like.

3. A stay in an island in the Pacific Ocean with crystal clear waters and white beaches and that sort of thing. And with the whole island to myself.

4. A stay in the Savannahs of the Serengeti in Kenya or Tanzania or something. Looking at the vast expanse of animals and vegetation under the clear African sky and with Mount Kilamanjaro as a background.

So many places to go to. Incredible stuff.



posted by baron at 7:47 PM

Tottenham 4- Arsenal 5.

That is frrrrrrrrriicckkkking close if you ask me.

They should fire Cygan.

But heck I'll take the 3 points anyday.

Phewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I am feeling less down- marginally so. I still feel angry at myself for all my stupidity and incompetance. But I've no time to dwell on that.


posted by baron at 5:52 AM

It chanced that they met under a pewter-grey sky, an unchanging uniform sheet of lead curtain.

It was no contrast to their meeting place, the courtyard of a broken and shattered cathedral, the stained glass smashed, the tombstones and Virgin Mary statues as heavy-coloured as the sky above.

The silence's grip upon the landscape was ironclad.

At length the Red Duke spoke.

"Why do you delay, O Baron? You know Lord Cromwallis the Usurper marches on the Capital on the morrow. Its defenders are in disarray, they have no leader, now that their King is dead. Yours is the last loyal garrison between it and the Enemy. Why do you sit here, Baron? Time is of the essence."

The Baron stirred, cold eyes gleaming from beneath the shadow of the hood.

"Why do you presume that my loyalty to the King stands even in his death? You know full well that the Kingdom has been sent down the path to chaos, and that its course is unalterable. Speak not of loyalty to me, Lord Falstaff. You yourself know who killed the King, do you not?"

"You would agree that that was a tragedy, Baron."

"The King died by the hand of his own Prince! I saw it with my own eyes, Duke Falstaff. I was in the acloves when he came striding through the bronze doors unheralded, and walked unhindered right to his Majesty, and knelt before he drew his sword and-"

"Yes, Baron, I have heard all the accounts"

"So do not speak to me of loyalty any longer. If our Prince- who, mark you this, is by right our new King- can slay his own father right on the Golden Lion Throne, what use of loyalty is there in this land?"

"Our alliance stands, Baron. You should mark that as well."

"Do not bandy words with me- our alliance, as you noted, stands; but only because we have a mutual interest in fighting the chaos that could be the end of both our Houses."

"So is it not right that we extend that fight to save the Kingdom as well?"

"I have no wish to do so. Nor have I any fealty to a King who lies dead by the hand of his own successor."

"That is treason, Baron."

"One does not betray the dead, Lord Falstaff. The old King was a fool. You know that too. The Prince was right in a way. His father was leading the land to destruction."

"And the Prince isn't? You sound as if you are backing the Prince and his champion Cromwallis."

"I do not condone regicide, Falstaff, let alone patricide. But I empathize with the Prince fully when he looked upon his father's incompetence drag our country into shame and humiliation and weakness."

" Take a care, Baron, as to what you say. I will not brook such disrespect towards His Late Majesty-"

" He is dead, Falstaff."

"-all the more reason we should defend his memory!"

"Let me say this just once, my Lord Duke, and let that be the end of it. Our King was a fool and dotard. I did not plot his death, and I am deeply shocked at the manner of it. But the very method of his killing simply strikes me that the old man got what he was asking for. He had it coming.

He spent the last 5 years making a treaty with the Austrian Whore, the Empress Mitchra. He sold off half our colonies, downsized our army so that we may be vulnerable to the Scots, and promised an annual tribute of 60 million thalers- for what? For her unworthy hand in marriage and a mere statement pledging 'the eternal friendship of our two Houses'. That is the hallmark of a senile King- a King not fit to rule.

So this is my point, Lord Falstaff son of Falkenhayn. I am horrified at that bastard Prince's crime- and I will not give my pledge to him. But neither can I fight for the memory of our late sovereign- his dotard actions have cost this country dearly- too dearly. I will not fight Cromwallis. The Capital will fall."


A long pause descended.






"If that is your answer, Baron, then may God help us all"


A shorter one.


"So be it, Duke. So be it."


posted by baron at 5:09 AM

Right its time to move.

And move it big.

Here's to all the old values of honour, valour, and nobility.

And strength.

Lets roll!


posted by baron at 2:24 AM

Thanks to everyone for the prayers and words of encouragement, I guess they really helped.

It's just my nature to question everything that there is.

After months of deception and disillusionment and disappointment I guess I have to get moving.

At the same time I cannot let certain things go, because I have to bear these hard earned lessons when I face the future. They came at so great a cost; I cannot throw them away just like that and blunder into another debacle which would shatter my perceptions and break assunder the foundations of my faith.

As a historian I cannot relinquish the lessons of history. History! What a word. The story of humanity and human beings.

Or is it just hubris? Rubbish that drifts down the wheels of time and is swept into dust by the winds of change?
I don't know, the whole world's gone topsy turvy.

I still pray for God- not for His intervention, but for Him Himself, to be by my side in my agony, to remind me that no agony can be worse then being slain by one's own loved ones.

But I still ask myself questions too.

Why is it that no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, people tell me that I'm wrong, that I should not do this or that, that I should shut up and stop whining and get on with it?

Why is it that the harder I try to heal things, the more I end up hurting those whom I love?

Why is it that I always seem to bear the burden alone, when all are at peace with the world?

I'm not begging for pity here, I am just sincerely confused. If anyone has answers to offer, then speak.

I'm sorry to those who came here expected a brand new me, a bright and cheery person with a bright and cheery life. I'm sorry to disappoint you because I have not learnt to perceive things properly. Because I have not learnt how to please the others enough. Because I have not learnt how to assert my individuality in a way that is not detrimental to those around me.

How pathetic, eh? I am merely stating the reality. There is hope and strength, yes, but they are shackled by my confusion.

I had a spate of nightmares. Horrible ones. But I'm not the only one with them though.

Yes I am a bleeding insecure person. That's why I cling so desparately to God. Because I realize that I am weak. But it's not self pity, that I know. It's an admission that I as a human being have failed my God. And I cannot do anything without Him.

But my Lord will stand me strong. That is the one hope that I have. And so should any of you, my brethren, who are struggling with sin or circumstance.


posted by baron at 3:34 AM

This is an extract from the Heart of the Matter by Graham Greene.

I'm repeating the words of Major Scobie:

O God, kill me now, now. My God, You'll never have more complete contrition. What a mess I am. I carry suffering with me like a body smell. Kill me. Put an end to me. Vermin don't have to exterminate themselves. Kill me. Now. Now. Now.

O God, I am the only guilty one because I've known the answers all the time. God- You are ill with me. I can't go on, month after month, insulting You. I can't face coming up to Your altar at Christmas-Your birthday feast- and taking Your body and blood for the sake of a lie. I can't do that.

And God seems to speak: "I made you with love. I've wept your tears. I've saved you from more than you will ever know; I planted in you this longing for peace only so that one day I could satisfy your longing and watch your happiness. It's not the repentence you lack, but just a few simple actions."

A few simple actions, Lord. I can't even do them. Its spiritual suicide to keep on like this in the midst of so crucial a time. Oh LORD forgive me. I cannot go on insulting You at Your Own altar.




I know this is completely at odds with what I wrote earlier but I have to get it out of me. I have sinned one time too many. GP was fine but that isnt the point. Nothing matters if my spiritual life is crap. And its crap like anything now.



posted by baron at 11:47 PM

I find it quite funny and freaky that there is a US Presidential election going on the very day before the General Paper A Level exam. What coincidence!

Ohio is being the idiot state, refusing to get its votes all counted in so the rest of the world can hang on in front of their tvs in heart wrenching anxiety. But oh well.

So I whittled my day away following the reports on CNN. Hey, dont blame me- these free and democratic elections are, like most things, stuff that you don't get to see very much in Singapore- it's like this new and wondrous thing that the thralls of certain tropical "republics" have never seen before. Like: "WOW! You mean that there can be more then one party in an election? You mean we can actually vote our ruler out? Incredible! How subversive! That is wicked, no?"

Right I guess thats going abit far but my point stands.

On a heavier tone, yes, it is the Big Day tomorrow. Forty centuries look down upon us, as old Napoleon told his Egyptian expeditionary force, prior to their epic victory over the Mamelukes at the Battle of the Pyramids. Well, forty centuries aren't exactly staring down on me and my peers, but the weight is there.

But I will not do this alone. The Lord my God is my strength, my Refuge, my strong and mighty tower. If anything I will win victory in His Name. Of course it's His Will that must be done, not mine.

I stand on the threshold of history. Before me there is this multitude of tangential possibilities- each going off on its own separate course. My futures have never loked so diverse and dissimilar from one another. The board is set; the pieces are moving.

I feel like going on and on spouting these famous sayings. The die is cast, let us cross the Rubicon. and so on and so on. But what matters is that from now on my course is set on God's.

These next few weeks- they are immense, monumental, the very fire in which my destiny will be forged. This very day will not be marked by weeping and despair and helplessness, but a sense of purpose and peace, and the assurance that the inevitable outcome is nothing but absolute victory- as irrevocably held in the Word of God.

And to my brethren who are struggling in our parallel paths, I urge you not to give up but to stand firm in His Promises. For He is as Righteous as we are sinful. Surrender, trust, obey, and He will lead you into His glory. No turning back, no turning back at all.

To victory.

For the KING.


posted by baron at 3:38 AM