We go into this together.

Everyone each with his or her own struggles, but united in one goal: vicotyr.

Yes, victory, not mere survival.

Forge ahead.


posted by baron at 3:00 AM

Still in shock from the Old Trafford game. Bad refreeing, but well Arsenal have had got away with bad refreeing themselves so there's not much point in complaining too much. But van Nistelrooy should get at least the 3 game ban.

I guess its a good wake up call for the Gunners. Oh well...

Question: What is an addiction?
Is it something that is unhealthy and cannot be stopped?
If not, can we say that we are all addicted to food, water, and air?

What is the difference between a need and a lust (not just in that way, just a general form of desiring something immediately)?

Is it death? As in if you go without Thing A and die, then it's a need; but if you go without Thing B and don't die, then is the initial desire for Thing B a lust?

Define a need, a lust, and an addiction.

Define it. I need some solid answers for once in my life.

Too long have I sat and wondered and thought and pondered and sank into confusion over things.

I need hard definitions.


posted by baron at 4:03 AM

Arsenal....lost. They lost. No. They cannot break and shatter.
They must fight. Fight. They must win.

Ok that's not the point.

Just obey Him and do His Will, I said.

Well it's not all that simple, actually.

Once again I suffer from those bad memories. I doubt the pain will ever go away- I mean, even our Lord still bore scars in His Hands even after He was resurrected.

But the lessons learnt- ahhh these are the stuff of treasure. Not totally useful, and very, very, hard to apply, but they were bought at so dear a cost- so very expensive.

1. Never assume you are always right.
2. Never trust your emotions- if the Enemy is the Father of Lies, then human feeling must be the Mother
of Deceit. And together they breed lies upon lies that will only give humanity false hope and despair.
3. Hope spawns despair
4. Despair forms faith
5. And faith in God will save you- a sort of help beyond hope.
6. See archive entry 05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004, on the Successful Guy Quotient

How do these people do it so successfully?

Is there any secret to it?

Or am I condemned to live without success, as Paul did with the "thorn in his side"?

I guess the only thing that matters is that I live to glorify God and God alone.

But why, Oh Lord, why?

The pain sometimes grips me so hard I wonder if I should take panadols.

Battering, blazing, bashing
Oh when will it end.

It doesnt make sense for me to be bogged down with this when people out there are getting their heads hacked off for even believing in Christ. But I need that measure of solace to anchor me.

Elohim God on High
will You hear Your people cry
help us now
this dark hour


posted by baron at 4:38 AM

Exodus 7:5/6

"Do not come any closer", GOD said."Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground." Then He said, "I am the GOD of your father, the GOD of Abraham, the GOD of Isaac and the GOD of Jacob." At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at GOD.

vv 14

GOD said to Moses,
"I am Who I am.
This is what you are to say to the Israelites:
I AM has sent me to you"

vv10-12

Moses said to the LORD, "O LORD, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since You have spoken to Your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

The LORD said to him: "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or dumb? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."


If any of my brethren are struggling with sin or circumstance, look to this passage. With the LORD your creator at your side, nothing will stop you. Just obey Him and do His Will, no matter the cost.


posted by baron at 8:53 PM

Finding myself increasingly trapped by circumstances, I am now fighting like a man possesed.

I lash out at anyone, friend or foe.

It does me no good.

But as much as I wish to get rid of these blinding bouts of emotion, I intend to retain and hone this sense of fanaticism that has come over me.

If I can shape it into a source of energy for my efforts- ah! what an immense help it could prove.

Was watching the Discovery Channel's show on Kamikaze pilots- and reminded me of the Jap pilots in the movie Pearl Harbour. What an UBER sense of devotion they had about them. Utmost dedication to their land and emperor.

Well that would be of great inspiration to me- I'm not going to die crashing a plane into an American ship, but I hope to die doing God's will and improving myself as much as possible.

I need a greater degree of personal strength and excellence. Insecurity? Not quite. More like ambition. More like a desire to avoid the disasters of the past. There is a fine line I admit but it is worth it.


posted by baron at 6:38 AM

Ahh mistakes. Mistakes, excellent opportunities for learning.

What does not kill us will make us stronger.

Yes.

But the cost- the cost is very, very, high.

And I have to admit my mistakes.

I have been too tempremental, too insecure, too possesive, too insensitive to others. I don't really suppose it's a purely relational problem, actually- this goes straight into neurosis and schizophrenia.

I have mis-understood much- too much.

I am now cast adrift, somehow.

But is it too late? No hope?

This is my distress call then. Please keep me in all your prayers. Forgive me as I have wronged all of you- my sins against all of you have cut deeper than anticipated- and have cut both ways. I have fallen and failed- I can only rise if you all are willing to let me.

Boy do I sound like an ex-convict. But in essence that is what I am. A dastardly sinner without anything in the world save the grace of God.


posted by baron at 11:26 PM

Cost-benefit analysis:

Cost: 18 months of time

Benefit: 0 units of reciprocrity, 19 107.5 units worth of negative spillovers

Analysis: Bleeding utter waste of time and effort.

Conclusion: Never again must we undertake such projects. Greater emotional discipline required. All non-conformist dreams/hopes/ambitions/fantasies to be exterminated with extreme prejudice.



I sound like a computer. But if I were to quantify The Debacle, it would look like something like that.


Economics is an bug-ugly subject. But highly fascinating. Just like how some insects are utterly hideous in appearance, but extremely interesting in the way they live and do stuff like build nests and infest people's homes. So I do enjoy Economics- that ugly subject.

Betty and I were having this dialectic about the role of practical economics versus
human love in one's life. Love, it seems, is without the quantifying of any costs or benefits. You spend without limit because you love someone (or something), and you don't bother what you get in return. That is true love.

But since we do not have unlimited resources (time, money, effort) at our disposal, some measure of economics MUST be practiced in our lives- we have to find some way of determining who gets our time and money and effort and who does not.

Let us consider the hypothetical situation:

Besotted Lover Boy A likes this girl. And he devotes 34 hours a week trying to win her affection. But he has a sister who is under severe stress from her exams and needs someone to talk to.

He has a miniscule, no, infinitesimal, chance of winning that girl's affections (let us assume she is already attached to someone else). In contrast, it is clear that spending a little more time with his sister would be of a tremendous help to her, in terms of easing her stress and helping her feel loved (that blasted word again!).

But being the Besotted Lover Boy that he is, he decides to throw his time into chasing that girl whom he likes. For a year he tries and tries, but gets nowhere. In fact, she rejects him! He goes into a downward spiral of losership. In the meantime his sister, for lack of attention, goes into despair and depression, and eventually attempted suicide.

The result: a complete waste of time. A tragic loss of life that could have so easily been prevented- but was not. In pure economics terms, a total mis-allocation of resources with immense opportunity cost- to use that ugly phrasing.

Why do I type this? It just strikes me that many of my prayers have been "mis allocated"- praying after things that would never be granted, when those around me, who would have been helped by my prayer, went without a single moment of blessing.

I find myself disgusted by my own blindness and weakness. It is a horrendous business to be governed purely by instinct and emotion, I feel. So much waste. so much despair. So much disillusionment.

Maybe I am seeing things wrongly. The way McNamara tried to win the Vietnam War with all his data spreadsheets and statistical analyses without bothering about the human psyche of the Vietnamese people and the American public, and in the end he lost the war. Maybe I am repeating his mistake.

I have in mind one of those scenes from a fictional movie script.

A film noire type setting. A dimmed room, windows with shutters down, slight haze of cheap cigarette smoke drifting through the air. Not cloudy to the extent that it obscures everything, but just enough to complement the dimness of the room.

Non-descript furnishings. A lamp in a corner. Desk, messy, with poker cards strewn all over.

Two men, Mike and Charlie, clad in fedoras and trenchcoats. Mike sitting, looking absently into his glass of Cognac; Charlie standing, peering through the shutters, occasionally polishing his .38 Magnum.

Say, Mike, don't think about it too much.

Yeah. 'Course I won't.

No, really. It's been eating you. Let go of it! The folks out there are worried about you. Ease up, man. How's a dinner at Ernest's sound to you?

No thanks, Chas.

It's not your fault, is it. Who would've known the dame had it all? She had it coming to her- all strings attached. And you didn't know about it. You couldn't. So stop beating yourself up over nothing.

It's not that, Chas. I could have saved her if I'd acted sooner. At least given her a chance at survival.

Well it turns out that you were only ten seconds late. So loosen up, will ya?

Yea, I guess you're right. I will.

Sure hope you do. Well, I've gotta type that damned report. You stay here and calm down. Meet you in 15.

Sure thing, Chas.

Charlie exits the room. Mike sits, alone, puts his glass down, and gazes at the far wall.

Yea. It wasn't my fault. Chas is right.

I mean, its just a dame. Dames get shot every other day. It's no big deal, is it.

Yup, he's right. I have to let go. I really couldn't have known.

I suppose I'll have to get on with things. C'mon Mike, be strong.










Mike buries his head in his hands.





Oh God.




What have I done.


posted by baron at 4:01 AM

Well that's enough whining done for the month.

I will push ahead with my plan to seek God.

In the meantime, a couple of interesting debates have cropped up about this whole religion issue.
I have heard a lot of reports of evil in the Church- the very bride of Christ itself- and it saddens me.

We hear almost daily of priests molesting children, of pastors embezzling Church funds, of "pastors" going to Hollywood and abandoning their duty to God for selfish commercial glory-all sorts of disgusting sin.

But why do I still seek God in my Church?

I quote from Philip Yancy:
"I mention these failures not to dampen anyone's faith but to add a does of realism to spiritual propaganda that promises more than can it deliver. In an odd way the very failures of the Church prove its doctrine. Grace, like water, flows to the lowest part. We in the church (must) have humiliation and contrition to offer the world, not a formula for success. Almost alone in our success-oriented society, we (must) admit that we have failed, are failing, and always will fail. The Church in AD 3000 will be as rife with problems as the Church in AD2000 or 1000. That is why we turn to God so desperately."

And from CS Lewis:
"The Christian has a great advantage over other men, not by being less fallen (sinful) then they, nor less doomed to live in a fallen world, but by knowing that he is a fallen man in a fallen world"

The Church can only spread the Gospel successfully when we Christians give sincere advice on Christ to others and set Christ-like examples in our lives. To coerce people to believe in God is impossible, and to apply insidious indirect pressure and use commercialised half-truths on the unbeliever is immoral. The only way lies with pure teaching and exemplary living that reflects the character of Christ - only then can Christianity prove its truth in a world filled with cults and false teachings.

The fault of the Church is thus due to man, not God. But I trust in the Church because no matter what God will NOT allow evil to take over His Body- though wracked with sickness the Church not descend into deception and death. That is the promise of God.


posted by baron at 5:03 AM

Things are clearing up slowly. Its a steep learning curve but it has to be done.

Well I must stop whining about things so often. It doesn't help. I must take concrete steps to ensure my success in the future.

There was this debate in Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? about the philosophical conflict between biology and history. I find that extremely interesting. The proponent of history argued that ultimately biology is immoral because all it promises is a genetically perfect breed of prefect man, each blond and blue-eyed and muscular, each a scientist and mathematician, each completely alike in pure human perfection. History on the other hand ensures some sort of uniqueness and difference, so that we as humans remain individuals.

Of course, the morally correct stand is that we humans should learn to treasure our individuality and unique character, so that we can remain who we are, instead a race of mere clones.

But therein lies the tricky bit. What if someone were born a retard, a vegetable, a handicap, a hopelessly disfigured person? What would the advocates of human uniqueness have to say then? Would they change their stand had they been born that way instead? This whole thing reeks of the abortion/euthanasia debate.

Very very fascinating.




posted by baron at 5:50 AM

Alright folks I will be turning off my cell phone for long periods of time for the next two or three days.

The objective of this is not to ignore anyone but partly to cut my inflated phone bill and partly to detach myself from the fickleness of humanity.

Instead I intend to retreat into solace and seek the one Pillar of Strength that will never fail, my Creator.

And I will emerge the stronger for it.

If anyone has any questions or need to talk (not that you all have been very talkative towards me of late), just drop me a mail and I'll respond.

In the meantime I will be praying for you guys who are getting your results back.


posted by baron at 1:26 AM

Ugh I find myself aggravated by close friends not talking to me.
I am too sensitive sometimes I admit.
But I suppose if someone close doesnt really talk to you but someone else instead I don't think that's entirely right.

It seems that non-attached girls chop and change their best guy friends every 3 months. Of course I cannot impose friendships as and when I like, but at the same time I find it very saddening and disturbing when I am brushed aside abruptly for someone twice as attractive or something. I'm not fully correct about all this, I agree, but if these friends cannot see my point then that is really regrettable.

But enough of this. People sure are stubborn. I will have to learn patience.

In the meantime I will be working on my story of the Levenbrech Rhedark


posted by baron at 6:29 AM

"We came through Ardwyn's Pass on the night of the Octobyr moon. It was a frigid night, I remember. And dark, too, for the rain clouds had not departed from above our heads. All the men had their cloaks tight around themselves; the horses themselves were reluctant to continue. Our captain, Carridas of Raesphyr, ordered us to bivouac at the foot of the mountain for the night, fearing that we might be caught in a blizzard once we entered the plains.

It proved to be our undoing.

They came out of the mountain, taking us by surprise, their fell battle cries carrying the song of bloodlust through the camp. Dread terror took us all, even the Captain uttered his commands with fear in his voice. The men were prepared when the alarm sounded, though; we had slept clad in our armour. With well-practiced haste, the archers formed up behind the Tarkil (Lotharian phalanx of close-serried spearmen alternated with swordsmen, see Appendix 3A) and sent their blazing shot into the cold night, at once illuminating the enemy and causing disarray in the opposing ranks. The whisper of the steel-bows' song brought reassurance to the company.

But it was not to last. I suspect that The Enemy on that night had fivefold our numbers, and they were not of the uncouth barbarian tribes that sometimes inhabited the caves and ravines of the Pass. These were the elite of the Raakan, the Raaqrim. In the dim light of the arrow-fire we could see their bronze armour glinting, the strange sigils on their faces and shields glowing with malice and malevolence, their helms plumed with sickle-crests. And their mouths moved as one, chanting their cries of doom upon us.

The archers could only do so much before they were upon us. They crashed upon the Tarkil, and our men began to fall. We fought hard and desperately; the body trade was at least two of theirs for one of ours. But these enemies had consumed that drug of beserk rage, Hashish, and they moved with horrific speed. I saw one, with his shield shattered and scimitar broken, leap up and gnash at Gilead's throat with his bare teeth, slaying the tall man from Cair Fontar even as he himself fell.

Within an hour it seemed over. The Enemy had surounded us and were now among the tents and horses. The Captain by then had fallen, with his squires Gonthir and Tion by his side, and the surviving remnant were pressed against the opposite wall of the valley.

Thus the unheralded arrival of the Silvan Rangers was nothing short of a miracle. As their Captain, Reynos Trisphanir, later explained, they were passing nearby en route to the Keep at Tyr's Hand when they heard the sounds of battle from the ravine below them, and at once knew that something was amiss. And when they saw the hordes of Raakan surging down the opposite slope they had their fears confirmed. But they did not intervene immediately, their company was half the size of ours and would have been merely added to the slaughter. They decided to take a longer route to battle. With all possible haste, they had mounted the opposite peak such that they entered the fray in the enemy's rearmost ranks. The Raaqrim themselves thought they were surrounded and their battle plan was shattered assunder. But even then the outcome was uncertain. Only the marksmanship of the Silvan Rangers ensured the eventual victory.

We had survived the night by the barest of fortunes. But at tremendous cost."

-2nd Levenbrech Timothy Lleyto Rheddark, Officer in the Service of His Majesty the High King of Nos Lothar, recalling his experience of the Ambush at Ardwyn's Pass, on the night before the Baron Roscoathe's epic victory at Ravensbruck.


That's what comes of reading too much Tolkien. I am fascinated by that man's works.



posted by baron at 2:23 AM

"My Uncle Jamal is trisexual. He is trying anything sexual"
-Ali G

That man is da wickedest bruver in da West Side Massive.
Maximum respect. Boyakasha!

But anyway the results are out, and I am mostly satisfied, yet touched by chagrin.
Careless errors are dead costly, but no matter.
The real batle is ahead.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of destiny itself, about to be pushed right through the portal into a multiverse of possibility, for better or worse. Everything now seems so transient, ephermeral, as fluid and gaseous like mist. And it'll be all gone in the morning, and what that light will reveal would be of interest. Will I find myself on the rocks or in the fastness of success?

As much as I'm tempted to think that my path is mine and mine alone, I have to remember the Higher Purpose for which all this has happened. I need to purge every last vestige of independence from my God's Will- the last time I failed to do so it cost me dearly.

Friendships are seasonal it seems. And the winter is here. So much for the fair weathers. I try to ignore it, I try to be concerned, but somehow the whole thing disappoints me. Sorely. I did not bargain for permanency, but neither did I this apathy. Everybody else has some other great rambling partner, or is caught in his own little world. And so on. But enough. I can only hope this rot does not persist.

I fear for Arsenal as well. Manchester United are looking very, very intimidating. Rooney had a hat-trick in his European debut! The contrast could not be more stark- Reyes did an own goal on his domestic one!
Blimey. October the 24th could spell disaster for the Arsenal unless they keep their heads together and do their business.

Yes. Keeping one's head together while the world goes to pieces.
Strength, Honour, and Devotion.
That must be the new rallying cry for those of us who would seek victory.

There is a very fine line between self-reliance and independence. I tread it daily.

"There are times when the hand of fate must be forced"

But that is not the point.

Will someone tell me what is the big deal about Singapore Idol?

Why are you so interested in it?

Is it because the participants are of astounding skill and ability, that their dulcet tones of their melodious voices can bring forth the strongest emotions known to man (assuming Singaporeans are capable of emotion)?

Is it because the judges are paragons of excellent taste and remarkable wit and humour,each with his/her own colourful personality?

Is it because the competitors are themselves so engaging and captiviating, equipped with real unique characters?

Or is it because we are essentially a bunch of pathetic sentimental fools who cannot face life as it really is and must thus indulge in fantasies where we see ourselves with these beautiful people on a beautiful stage?

Well we all have our own fantasies I have to admit. But my point stands.


posted by baron at 5:52 AM