How can it be, indeed.

How can it be.

I need to reorientate every priority in life now.


posted by baron at 6:40 AM

Stand by everything You said
Stand by the promises we made
Let go of everythingI've done
I'll run into Your open arms
And all I know

I love You more than life,
I love You more than life

Fall back on everything You've done
Fall back on everlasting arms
When all the world is swept away
You are all the things I need
You're the air I breathe

How can it be
You were the one on the cross
Lifted for all our shame?
How can it be
The scars in Your hands are for me?
You are the king of all


posted by baron at 6:36 AM

Somehow I'm always at fault for what happens, even though I undergo a lot of sacrifice too. And I always happen to take it out on the folks who don't deserve it. Once a bastard, always a bastard. And now I'm getting a dead silence from people even when I apologize. Have I done so much wrong to all of you that my apologies are now meaningless? Is there no way I can make it up to anyone?

Oh bugger.

Yup I'm not very gentlemanly and I apologize to all for that but I hope my real friends won't stay pissed forever at me.

Right. I am sick of all this as usual. But I intend to stop whining. It's useless.

I intend to see my plans to fruition. It's about improving those strengths, shoring up those weaknesses and purging those vulnerable, emotional (what disgusting things emotions are!) points. I suspect many will see me as an even more heartless bastard from now on but I have to eradicate every last vestige of sentimentality that so crippled me for over 18 months. Enough is enough; the buck stops here, here and now and for ever.

No, if I cannot taste the sweet, I have to assume that it's bitter.

And again I have sinned against the Creator, spurning all His blessing.
I cannot give up on seeking absolution. He is the key to everything I hold dear.




posted by baron at 8:52 PM

Well, they've ended, finally.

Somehow that does not detract from my ennui, from that glorious sense of listlessness and restless boredom.

I should be a busy man, with things to do, places to go, and people to meet. But for some reason I can't get off and face the world out there. I don't know what's stopping me.
Is the sun too bright?
No it's not.
Then what?

It goes on. It's like a fly in the room, buzzing hither and thither to no purpose.

Whom do I serve?

What would I do?

I feel like Paul Gauguin all over again.

I need PURPOSE and VISION, else I'd go stark raving mad.

Stark raving mad?

Ah yes, insanity. A very intriguing concept.
What defines madness? The lack of "rational", "logical", thought?
So if I can reason my madness does that discount it as madness?
If all madness has some reason to it then there is no such thing as madness.
Conversely, madness can only exist in the TOTAL absence of logic.
(those semi-rational mistakes we make (like superstition) cannot be called madness because there is a ulterior purpose behind them)
Is that it?
As one of the dudes in Hamlet (I think Polonius or the King) said:
"there is method in his madness".

And what does the Creator say about madness?

I think too much. Way too much.
But if I stop pondering I will just fade into nothingness. Like a blank computer screen void.
My screen of conciousness must be stuffed with stimulus- colour and sound and all the rest of it. My own little universe.




And that bloody Bolton had to draw Arsenal at Highbury. Damn idiots- but they'll end up in Europe by the time the season's done, I reckon.


posted by baron at 1:08 AM

Listen.

You must not abandon me here.

You cannot.

*********

Boy do I sound like Slyvia Plath on the monthly cycle.

Hah but neurotic schizophrenia is the least of my worries now.

I have been drawing up another of my role model lists for myself again.
And so here are the folks I admire. Not in any order of superority though.
And not that I'll emulate them, but they are the examples I would try to follow.

1. Lleyton Hewitt
2. Michael Phelps
3. Dennis Bergkamp
4. General (ret.) Wesley Clark
5. Billy Graham
6. Elrond of Rivendell
7. Tony Blair
8. Otto von Bismarck
9. Ali G.

More will be added to this list later.
But of course the real number one on it would be my Lord Jesus Christ.
I don't suppose anyone could ever outdo the Son of God when it comes to being a role model.



posted by baron at 5:53 AM

1. You have no right to live among us as Jews


2. You have no right to live among us


3. You have no right to live



Those were the three horrifying steps to Hitler's Final Solution.

Was reading a book about the Holocaust and it has really smashed up whatever hopes I had left in humanity.

What a vile loathsome species we are.

And somehow I feel like a Jew. I am an alien- a stranger in a strange land. Isolated (self imposed or otherwise) and completely cut off.

In my sleepless nights I keep thinking about my life- friends, family, studies, future etc- and then I stare into the bowels of Treblinka and Auschwitz and Bergen-Belsen and all their mountains of human detritus.

Its that same curse that has got me last year. That one about that struggle and all that.

I can't wrestle with these demons alone at night. I need deliverance and quick.

Elohim
God on High
Will hear Your people cry
Help us now
this dark hour.


posted by baron at 2:45 AM

hey guys, this is pastor jenni.
who koped my daughter.
i am offering $1.01 for return of abigayle.
please wrap her up and place her outside church.
also, read your bible.
and pray.
AND CALL ME SIA, ME BORED
ROCK ON.



posted by baron at 6:44 AM

So why can't you be yourself?

Because I simply cannot. They won't let me

Who won't?

Them.

Them?

Look out your window, Tommy. What do you see?

People.

Exactly. Society. Human beings. People.

So what's your point?

They won't let you live the way you ought to. The way you need to.

You sound like the usual social outcast wierdo. Get a life.

Can't you see it? Everything you do has to be in line. You have to please them or they won't accept you. They'll condemn you. And you have no choice but to condemn others if you want to survive. It goes on and on and on. No escape. To hell with your uniqueness- you have to compromise your character with the values of all those people out there.

That's your loss, Jimmy. You can't expect everyone to connect with you on your own terms. You revolve round the world, see, not vice versa.

Bloody hell you can't see it can you, Tommy?

No I can't. Who are you anyway, Jimmy? And how did we end up talking like this?

I am you, Tommy. I am you. Tommy "Jimmy" R. Daschle. And that is the debate I will present to the World Sociology Congress in 2 weeks time- "The Individual and Societal Conformity". You can come if you want. Right now you need to get back to the ship. The others must be worrying about you.

**************

Tommy wakes up to the scent of copper. He lies at the floor of the golden room. Hell, he thinks. I've got to get back to that ship and get prepared for that damn Congress in two weeks' time.

**************

I'm becoming schizophrenic and my blog confirms it. That piece was inspired by Michael Crichton's Sphere. Brilliant stuff.

I am sick of all this actually. What sin did my commit that I have been cursed such?
Nothing seems to work. But I must stop whining. Bleeding waste of time, whining is.

Brooding Is

Faint shimmering
Saturates permeates
fills
sparkling with specks of emerald and
gold incandescence
Am I drunk?
I swim to the light-source
Bewildered.


I must stop these silly exercises in pseudo-intellectualism. No time can be wasted.


posted by baron at 4:33 AM

Doggone it Rooney has gone to Old Traff.
But well I'd rather he go there than Stamford Bridge.

Anyway today was wierd. Went out to study with some of the tennis-kayakers, and on order of His Imperial Majesty UYH to make sure the gang focussed on mugging instead of wasting time. But I didnt get much done myeslf.

It was quite fun mugging with them though; they make real rocking company. But I felt quite lethargic because
I was in this thick haze that comes with flu. Sorry to those who thought I was damn sian but actually I was just brain dead, pure and simple. And well I did want to go for the prayer meeting but I was just scared that I'd conk out zzzzzzzzz while the pastor was praying. Really sorry to you who wanted to go, but I just couldn't take it.
Then it would have been like "wow that boy is really holy he's still praying even after the pastor has finished!"

Ok whatever.


posted by baron at 3:39 AM